PTSD-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Don't know if anyone really reads my blog, but I decided to write a concern I have. Well, something that has been on my heart and I have a concern with. My baby brother (who is not a baby) served 5 years in the United States Marine Corps. He served for the country he loves and fought for our freedom. While in the Marine Corps he did a lot of growing up. Which, I think that anyone who goes into a branch of the military is going to grow up. I love the military. I am thankful for all who serve our country. It is something that I could not do. We became close to so many new families all over the United States. Some of my brothers best friends he met in the service. He recently ended his time with the Marines in May. It's so nice having him home. There is something that is missing from my brother and it makes me sad to think or even talk about. I love my brother with all my heart but being over seas, experiencing, and seeing what he saw I could never fathom. I know that a lot of military people who come back to civilian life is hard to get what they saw/heard over there. Bubba served three tours. It was the hardest/longest deployment ever. I hated it, but knew this is what he wanted to do. I have several friends who have and are serving overseas and God Bless each and everyone of them. I prayed Psalm 91 when he was over there and still do.

PTSD is something that has affected my family. We saw it when my brother snapped and wanted to beat up everyone around him. It took us calling the cops on him to calm him down, but even after that he would get these nightmares and just freak out on us. Now a days I have noticed that he just doesn't care. He is angry, irritable and just seems to be giving up on everything. It breaks my heart because he is an AMAZING guy! One of my best friends. Gives the greatest advice and was so warm to be around. When I talk to him now I feel like he's going to snap at me or he acts like he doesn't want to talk to me. That kills me because he is my brother, and the love you have for a sibling is unexplainable. Sometimes, well, I should say most of the time that I think about what he has gone through or how he has a little piece of his heart gone, I just cry. Crying right now. I have witnessed one to many freak outs. (I should think of another name because I don't like that word) I just want my fun loving brother back. I know there are things out there that can help you but it's addressing the problem that is hard. My brother is very stubborn and its hard to talk to him about this. I keep praying that God heals you from this horrible HORRIBLE thing!!

Tonight, like every night, I pray over my brother and that everyone else who is going through PTSD can get help and God buts his loving arms around you. I know that it's hard to talk someone but please talk to someone. Anyone. There are people out there that will sit and listen to you and help you get the help you need.

To my brother: I love you more than you will ever know!! You are my hero! You have done so much that a sister can be proud of. I am sorry that you feel you cant talk to me about this. I am here for you and I always will be. You deserve so much more than this. I knew from the 1st day that I met you we would be best friends. I know that this is going to take time but I am trying my best to understand everything. I LOVE YOU to the moon and back!!

*I have been researching on this and have had some really good things. If you know someone who is dealing with PTSD, there are places out there to help you better understand.

Life

Sitting in my room with The Office playing on in the background (because we got rid of cable) I start to think. Sometimes it's good thinking, but sometimes my imagination wanders and I just think of fear and life. One of my fears is dying without really living my life to it's fullest potential. I try every day when I wake up to focus my day on God and start off on the right foot. Well let me just give you a sneak peak into my life the past month....

The last weekend in July one of my best friends had moved to Chicago. I did get to enjoy spending some nice quality time with him, which was just amazing and what I needed. (I think he did too, but he would never admit it) That was a hard weekend because one another friend of mine was leaving for college. Little did I know the next week was just going to blow every bad day out of the water. (One plus thing though is my bestest from Texas was moving to Chicago. Instead of having one best friend in Chicago I have two now!!)

On August 10th, I got called into my bosses office and was told that I know longer have a job with them. That is another blog in itself. I was very upset when I got home and my roommate was home (who is by the way the best and supports me 110% I don't know what I would do without her.) That day changed my life, for the better. Some peoples rock bottoms are different. I think it depends on what stage in your life that you are at. This was my rock bottom. I have never been "let go" from a job. I know this was a something from God, as weird as it sounds. I was so upset but then talking to some of the greatest people that are in my life helped me through it (Which I thank you all and you have know clue how much I love you and the support) God sure had my attention. I spent a lot of time in prayer and with God. It was one of the hardest things to trust him, but I know that's what I had to do.

Life so far has been throwing me curve balls, but having God on my side I have hit home-runs!!

30 Things To Do Before I'm 30

My cousin Julie K told me that the night going into my 29th birthday I need to make a list of 30 things I want to do before I'm 30. Which honestly I don't want to face the fact that I am going to be turning 30, but I have to because it's not going to go anywhere. Oh well, I'm going to live life to the fullest!!

I started my list and I keep going back to revamp it several times and keep adding more and more onto it. It's now longer than 30 and that's ok. There is no rule book saying when making a list of things you must have a certain amount of numbers or you will not be able to do it. Most of these are on my bucket list, but hopefully I can do some of these things in my 20's still :) Man, am I getting old.

Well here is my list

30 things to do before I'm 30

Don't take anything or anybody for granted!

Live life to the fullest!

Going through life laughing your butt off and enjoying every bit of it as much as possible is the way to go!!!  Don't be a jerk...karma is an even bigger jerk and life is FAR too short to deal with petty BS!--My friend Parris told me this

Work on myself

Go on a hot air balloon ride

Surprise someone

Lose some weight (#30)

Read the Emily Giffin series

Finish the hunger games

Buy a new car

Go to Africa

Meet the president

Lose some weight (30)

Go to a Dave Matthews concert

Go to a indie film festival

Random road trips

Take lots of pictures

Open an Etsy shop

Spend new years in New York

5k

Volunteer at the pregnancy center

Write letters of appreciation to friends 

Go kayaking in Michigan a whole day 

Go 4x within the year away on a long weekend no electronics.

See the Northern lights

Visit Cody

Eat a Philly steak in Philly

Eat a deep dish Chicago in Chicago

Watch a pro football game (Browns or Dallas) 

Go to a OSU football game 

Sit on top of a hill and look for shooting stars 

Spend the night on a beach

Go to Toronto to see a Play

House boat with a group of people 

Go to Frankfurt and learn about where my grandma lived 

Go to the Grand Canyon

Buy a pair of Toms  and have everyone I meet sign them 

Hold up a free hug sign (ie.. New York, Chicago, Columbus)

Spend all day watching Disney movies 

Spend all day watching Harry potter

Blog more

and my favorite one...Maybe meet my Prince Charming :) 

There you have it folks my list of things I want to do within the year. 

A New Kind of Feeling

Last weekend I got to kick off the summer with some pretty important people. Actually they are just AWESOME, AMAZING, FUN, ENERGETIC, LOVABLE, POSITIVE people, and that's what I need in my life. I went through some hard times the past few months. Just in a drought of feelings, if that makes any sense. I was going through some things that honestly made me stronger. I know that if certain people would read this they would just say different. ANYWAYS..

I was sitting here thinking about everything that happened this past weekend and it was pure bliss. I haven't felt this way in a really long time and I love it. It's a new kind of feeling I would say. Saturday night couldn't have gone any better. The things that happened during the day that night all the way till the next morning will be forever etched into my mind. The feelings were real! I don't want to get into to much detail but things that happened that night was everything that I ever hoped for. I know that the future only holds more of the good feelings. I know that there are going to be some tough times but I can get through them all. Not only with the support of my family and friends but with the support of my wonderful Creator. I don't want to say to much of what might happen, but all I do know is that everything is going to be alright. I no longer have people who try to bring me down or are just negative in my life. I don't have people in my life who don't encourage me. I cleaned up shop. There is no room for negativity anymore. I want nothing but positive. Let's be honest though I know there will be days when I have a few of those negative moments, as my roommate found out last night, but mostly positive.

If anyone could have been in my head any time I wish it was last night. Last night consisted of an emotional nut house. I literally felt happy, sad, excited, and terrified all at once. I had no clue what was going on. When I was talking to my roomie I just sat there and cried. Not because I was sad or happy just because I am petrified about what the future holds. It's everything. There are so many things that I want to tell but I cant because they are still in the making. God's not finished working with me yet. I am just thrilled to see what is going to happen. I love the way my life is going right now. I have to live in the moment or things are going to start happening and I am just going to shatter. I love LOVE this feeling that I'm feeling right now. It just brings a smile to my face and warms my heart.

I think I found my prince? That's the best feeling in the world

Letting You Walk Away

This song has so many meanings. Only two people know and every time I hear this song I just cry. Jordy this song is dedicated to you.  

I think this song has come on my Pandora twice today…and every time I just cry. Maybe because I am just going through some stuff right now. Anyways, I often wonder if things would be different. If we would have done life differently. Is this why I take to heart when some one says they dont want to be my friend, or dont think its a good idea to not be friends. When this happened I thought of the moment when you said the same thing to me and  how my heart felt torn out of my chest.

It was a cool spring night and we were laying underneath the stars talking about how we are going to grow old together. We were going to be 80yrs old and rocking in our rocking chairs talking about how our life was great and we could share it with each other. I remember u leaned over gave me a kiss on the cheek and whispered in my ear that you would always love me. No matter what! We weren’t dating at the time we were friends. The best of friends!! Shared everything together. Our hopes, dreams, and future. I loved it. Later during the night I remember you looking at me like I was the prettiest girl ever and you could love no one like me. Then the conversation started. It was getting late and we were talking about our lives and something out of the norm was said. I looked at you with a confused perplexed look on my face. I could see that what you were about to tell me was going to crush me. As I sat there with tears filling up in my eyes as you go on to tell me that you didnt think that it would be a good idea for us to be friends. You talked about how we had a good run but it doesnt feel right to be friends and you just really needed time to think. You gave me one last kiss and one last hug. I remember standing under the stars just you and I hugging and crying. You gave me a kiss one last time on the forehead and walked away. I couldnt do anything but stand there and cry. I remember standing there what seemed like hours thinking to myself where did I go wrong? What just happened? 

A few days later I heard from you and all you said was “Meg as much as I love you and care for you I dont want to hurt you anymore. This is the best and easiest way but we need to end things. I love you and I want you to remember that. I want you to remember that your care, love, support and encouragement will be with me always. I will never forget the times we had and the trails we went through. Your my green eyed girl and I love you, but think it’s best for us to go our separate ways.” Standing there numb having you kiss me one more time, squeeze me like you’ll never let me go is embedded in my brain. I pushed that memory in the back of my head, haven’t thought about it until last night. When my heart was broken, because all I could see was your face and you walking away from me all over again. Granted it was different circumstances but the pain felt the same. I just hope and pray that this is a different outcome. 

I saw you a few months back at a concert. All of the memories came flooding back to me. I just wanted to run and give you the biggest hug and tell you how much I missed you. I saw your smile and my heart melted. Then as you got closer you were holding your wifes hand. As you got closer we exchanged a “Hello” you introduced me to her and then pointed to her belly (which was about 6 months pregnant) and told me the great news. That you were going to be a daddy and you both were happy in love. I kept on that smile I had until you were out of sight. Then I just thought the whole night about what could of been. I saw how happy you were and I couldnt help but know that you were happy was a good thing.

There's a "Hole" in My Heart

I have been struggling with this the past few months. I thought it was something else, but that is nothing to fret about. I have been struggling with finding my place. My place in this enormous world. It’s hard being in my late 20’s, single, and wondering what God has in store for me. I love this piece of scripture and it is one of my favorites:

LOVE THIS!!! I am going to but this on my wall so it can be a daily reminder. 

Whenever, I start to have a panic attack or get really anxious I just think of this verse and I feel 100% better. The grace of God is just so AMAZING; I can’t even put it into words. God has really spoken to me these past few days. I was recently just surfing the net (I am a HUGE fan of the Skit Guys) I came across this video. I have seen it a while back ago and I absolutely LOVED it! Every time I watch it, it takes my breath away and I am put back into check with God. God really knows how to put me in my place, in a loving and caring way of course. I decided to watch it again. As I sat at my desk during my lunch break I had tears flowing down my face. It was just like the video was talking straight to me. I couldn’t believe all the emotions I was going through. I decided that I needed to really spend more time with God and work on myself. It was a real wake up call. I have recently taken a vacation from Facebook and Twitter. These two Social Medias were taking up so much of my time. Ever since then I have learned some very important lessons.  I keep hearing a song in random places and it grabs my attention, it is By your side by Tenth Avenue North. The lyrics are like an arrow headed straight to my heart. Anyways, I will get back to my point here.

I have had this “hole” in my heart for some time now and I don’t know where it came from or what it was. (If that makes any sense) I was trying to fill this “hole” with different people and activities. I finally realized that this “hole” is from my spiritual growth. I’ll explain a little better. I was a part of a tremendous bible study. My Monday night group, which I had been with for 8 years, we just recently ended our 8 year journey this past September. It was a bitter-sweet. It was something that had to be done. We didn’t have a big fall out or harsh feelings it was time to end that chapter and start a new one. I still see the girls that I grew so strong in my faith with and they still have a big part in my life. I am just having a really difficult time with this. I keep rereading the last page not turning to the next chapter to see what God has in store for me. God has really been showing me that I need this in my life. Last night it hit me. I was sitting in the car with a friend and we were talking. I explained what I was going through and how I was feeling and she was in the same boat. We got to talking and it was great. I see God moving not only in my friendship but he brought me to someone who is going through the same thing and we can grow. I feel like this, let me explain in a story:

“I was walking through life with a crowd of people, all believers and strong Christians, then after a while people started to branch out. (ie: starting new relationships, getting married, having babies etc.) After a while I notice there’s just a few, not many. Then, I try to hang on to the ones that are near and it’s not good. All of a sudden I am by myself walking and trying to find someone anyone. (Which I should have my focus on God) When I realize that Jesus is always there I turn around and he’s there with open arms saying “I’ve been waiting for my hug.” I run to him a squeeze him so tightly! I feel like a small child in the arms a dad or grandfather where there hugs just swallow you up.

This is more or less how I feel. The biggest hug!!

 I stand there for hours just soaking it in with tears down my face trying to gain some kind of composer. I keep saying "Please, don't let go." and he just whispers back. "I will never leave you or forsake you." After standing there for a while we start to walk. He is showing me all the great and wonderful things I have in my life. Like my high school girls that I have a close relationship with. They look up to me and for me to sit here and not live the life that God has for me or is showing me that there is something better. I just need to focus on them and become a better leader/mentor. Not that I’m not. I mean they could think I’m the suckiest leader and they hate coming to our little get together, but if I know my girls I think that they help ME more than I help them. They show me the beauty in things; challenge me in areas that I struggle. I see also on this walk the bad and ugly of me, but Jesus doesn’t sit there and how there is so much more out there.  How I shouldn’t be holding on to things that aren’t going to fit right. Just let them go and move on! I finally start focusing on the breathtaking scenery around me and realize that I have so much and everything is perfect. It may not look like that to others but to me it looks splendid. As we are walking another person joins our journey and we learn and start to grow in our faith. It becomes a remarkable friendship.

Ok, sorry if that confused you or didn’t make any sense because it made perfect sense to me. That’s how I see it and I know that God is so working in my life. I was at a plato in my walk but now I am starting to make the journey up. I know through certain things I am going to learn so much and just humble myself to these things. I have other things to focus on. I know that my Prince is out there I just have to be patient. When your my age though it gets kind of tough, but I have abundant support through a great group of friends and family members. I know God is working on me and I am not perfect, but my picture is the one hanging on his fridge because he is proud of me. My heart is starting to become "whole" again. 

*I added the video of the song that has been everywhere. I am finally taking my sign and working towards what God wants for me, not what I think I need!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BEST FRIEND!!

Who's Birthday is it??  This GUY'S!!

Hello All,

Even though it is Valentine's day it is also Mr Nathan's birthday!! He turns the big 2-3!! Such a youngin..I decided to dedicate this blog to him since its his birthday and all. So here goes...



Dear Nathan or NDK,

It is your BIRTHDAY!! 23 years ago you entered this world and the world hasn't been the same since. I have only known known you for a few months. Our friendship started this past summer and my life hasn't been the same since. You are such a joy in my life and I am so blessed and glad to have you in my life. Even though there has been some moments when I wanted to punch you in the face!! LOL jk. I still consider you one of my best friends. I know that I make you very angry or frustrated some days, but I know that no matter what I can always count on you for anything! I can not tell you how much I appreciate you and our friendship. We are going to be friends for a long time I can tell :) Enjoy this little blog that I put together for you. I hope you enjoy it!!
~Megan

23 Reasons
Nathan David Keil
Is My Best Friend

For your birthday I am making a list of 23 Reasons I consider you to be one of my BEST friends! Even though there are more than 23 reasons and hope you know that.

1.       Your heart for God-Always encouraging me.

2.       Your love for OSU football!!

3.       You make me Smile J- Even though there are some days that are better than others.

4.       Trust-I can trust you with anything and know that my secrets are safe with you.

5.       Introduced me to a whole spool of new music that I have never heard of and I LOVE it! One of these days you will grow to love RWB!

6.       Not only music but my movie collection has grown, too.

7.       I enjoy the Spontaneous things that we do-Random road trips.

8.       Even though you hate to hug, you give some of the best!! I think it’s because you learned from the best (ME!!)

9.       When a good song comes on the radio you’re not afraid to sing at the top of your lungs.

10.   You introduced me to the WONDERFUL world of Starbucks (Peppermint Mocha)

11.   We have so many inside jokes.

12.   Your love for reading. Even though you make fun of me for being a “slow” reader-which I am not and you’re a little ridiculous about your books.

13.   Doesn’t complain THAT much when taking a picture.

14.   Seen me cry more than a handful of times and is still comforting and doesn’t make fun of me until AFTER the fact.

15.   You are the only one who knows my special place I like to go and think.

16.   You trusted me to cut your hair-not a full out haircut but you trusted me with clippers to fix your rat tail…hahahaha

17.   We have a lot of things in common.

18.   You’re the BIGGEST Harry Potter fan I know and you’re not afraid to admit it or show it.

19.   I learn something new about you all the time.

20.   I can talk to you for HOURS about anything and everything and not get bored!!

21.    Crazy psycho obsession with your things-I know that I kind of abuse it when I say that I want to “ borrow” something and I have it for a few months.

22.    Your competiveness-even when I suck you still suck it up and play, I know that you don’t like it but I appreciate that you’re still a team sport.

23.   Most of all you accept me for me J

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NATHAN DAVID!!! I hope that you have an AMAZING, WONDERFUL, FANTASTIC DAY!! I look forward to many more birthday celebrations!! 

*Hope you enjoyed this little blog. It's not much but at least it's something.